29.3.06
i remember the first time i saw you.
i fell in love with you; and i was in love with the guy who gave me you.
and when i held you in my hands and we fussed over you, sort of bullied you--
i'm sorry for all that.
thanks for putting up with me.
i know im not the best.
remember how him and me matchmade you with your girlfriend, speedy, that you never met?
i bet she misses you.
i know i do.
if there's one thing you taught me, speedo--you were a fighter.
the odds were stacked against you from the start.
and they just got worse.
i guess you knew you couldn't win.
yet you fought through the minutes, the seconds, the long days.
and there was nothing i could do--im so sorry.
and still you fought.
in your unwilling waking hours, to your afternoon naps in the sun, to your falling asleep in my palm some nights--damn, you were always so grumpy, that cynical glare--and it was all so cute, you made me smile.
and you always hung on.
i miss you.
it seems like forever since you've been gone.
you don't know how it feels, seeing your favorite spot on your rock; empty.
in the memory of speedo, who left me on the 27th of march, 2006--
i'll always love you.
you ran the race better than anyone i know.
fight on.
21:52
20.3.06
places that i can never go to again without crying [at least not in a long time]:1. esplanade.
2. certain spots along pasir ris beach.
3. a certain spot at east coast beach.
4. west mall.
5. jurong point.
6. school. [great.. ]
7. water tower in school.
8. library in school.
9. w5A in school.
10. novena mall.
11. the back of harbourfront mall.
12. the HDB blocks near west mall.
13. the HDB blocks at near jurong point.
14. his place. [.. as if he'd let me go there.]
15. my bedroom.
16. under my block.
17. berkelah.
18. orchard, heeren + cineleisure.
19. the carpark building thingy behind heeren's spinelli's.
20. marche.
21. sakae sushi.
22. the place near the merlion.
23. plaza singapura.
24. the starbucks at plaza singapura.
25. the lee hwa at plaza singapura.
26. sunshine plaza.
things that i can never do again without crying [at least not in a long time]:1. read any form of comic books in the school library.
2. read my school email.
3. eat macdonald's in school.
4. stand around for too long outside my studio.
5. miao. at any other person.
6. talk about random stuff to any other person.
7. make up weird roleplay-romance stories over msn with any other person.
8. drink venom red/blue.
9. smoke.
10. talk about "the future".
11. think about the past.
12. concentrate on the present.
13. over-stay in church.
14. listen to the radio.
15. watch romantic movies.
16. think about him being with someone else.
17. think about him hugging, kissing and cuddling someone else.
18. think about him screwi-- don't think i want to finish typing this sentence.
19. think about him marrying someone else.
20. think about him spending the rest of his life with someone else. [fuck im crying already.]
21. basically, think about him. [and me.]
22. hug jonathan.
23. hug him.
24. look at happy couples walking along the street.
25. see anything that has to do with valentine's day.
26. play with iDog.
27. get a pet husky.
28. "find someone new". [which is what everyone has been telling me.]
29. go through the gifts he gave me.
30. sleep at night.
31. eat takopachi.
i just wanted to let the whole world know--
i'd like to get my life back.
but i'm still hopelessly stuck loving you.
15:49
18.3.06
1 month, 3 days since you killed me.
or did you even notice; do you even care?
bet you never even shed a tear.
oh yeah, that's right--why would you?
you don't love me anymore.
you don't give a shit.
sorry, i forget about that every time you kiss me now.
still, i dont want those moments to stop.
what else have i to go on?
i need you, that much is certain.
happy belated breakup anniversary.
it could have been 8 and a half months into forever, too.
but you didnt pick that option.
-shrug. whatever.
i guess you'll be glad to know that i've given up on trying to make you see.
at least i can say i tried.
i have to scars to show for it.
i hope you never take that blindfold off, john.
i dont think im ready to handle reality right now.
and i dont think you'll ever be.
and if i told you about all the tears and thoughts that im keeping from you now, truly how much i miss you and love you, raw from my soul--
if i told you the truth, if i forced that blindfold off you and forced you to take a good look at the whole situation, if i made a movie out of our ending and made you watch--do you think you could take it?
i doubt so.
here's what you'll do--shut up, shut down, and go cold so that you won't have to admit and accept.
and to my questions, i'll get the usual nothing, dont know and maybes.
you can take a horse to water. but you can't make him drink.
so i'll save you from that trouble.
i'll just suffer here in silence and smile.
but the silence doesn't mean i don't know.
don't underestimate me.
don't take me for a fool so desperately in love with you that i don't know.
so am i mad?
yeah, i am.
and i think i have a right to be.
i just haven't decided at whom or on what to be mad at yet.
at everything, if you want an answer.
thanks, though--for staying with me till i learn how to smile again.
thanks for the hugs and kisses and the things you still do to make me laugh.
i won't deny it's a big thing to do.
so thanks (:
either that or you're just using me till you're ready to walk off on your own.
like nicotine gum to kick the habit.
and by then, if that's true, you'll leave me lying in your dust and you wont care--who's to know if you really care now?--but i'd rather lie to myself.
i'd rather lie to myself and love you.
i'd rather hold you and both of us trying to make something out of the darkness--
than walking straight on without you in the daylight.
and remembering always hurts, in that place called Not Anymore.
11:32